We have a quick quiz for you. Does the idea of creating personalized wedding vows strike you as:
A) A beautiful way to make your ceremony more meaningful?
B) A form of torture rivaled only by root canal?
C) Something you’d love to do if you didn’t find the idea so daunting?
Or…
D) A lovely idea for other couples?
There is no right answer. Creating your own vows can make weddings more intimate and memorable, but unless you and your partner love the idea—and feel comfortable reading what you’ve written in front of family and friends—it may not be an ideal choice.
If you’re on the fence about this approach, the pros and cons we’ve put together might help you make a decision. And if you’re in love with the idea of writing something special for your ceremony, we have a few tips for you.
Upsides to Personalized Vows
Why have personalized wedding vows been such an enduring trend? For one thing, they allow couples to create a ceremony that’s uniquely about them.
Writing your vows lets you decide what you’re promising. You’re not going with something generic; you’re expressing your commitment to each other on your terms. Whether you’re promising to travel the world together or to never stop encouraging your partner to follow their dreams, your vows will be poignant to the two of you.
Working on vows also helps you put the stress of wedding planning in perspective and focus on why you want to spend the rest of your lives together. In the midst of interviewing vendors, making deposits, fine-tuning seating plans, and completing a long list of other to-dos, the time you spend writing about your first date or the moment you knew your partner was the one can be particularly valuable.
Not only can a personalized ceremony be memorable for you, but it also can lead to a magical, emotional experience for the loved ones sharing the moment. Granted, you shouldn’t write your vows simply to please your guests. But, if you like the idea of a personal approach, it may encourage you to know that you’ll be touching your loved ones, too. For those who care about you, it doesn’t get much better than hearing your soon-to-be spouse sharing why they want to live out their life with you.
Another possible plus: For some couples, the vows you create in modern language might resonate more than traditional wording crafted centuries ago, no matter how beautiful. Again, this is a personal choice. Some dream of promising to share a life “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,” and they, too, will have a meaningful ceremony when they exchange that vow.
When Personalized Vows Aren’t a Good Fit
Creating personalized vows is not the right choice for every couple. If that applies to you, don’t give it a second thought. Going with the approach that’s right for you is key to planning an unforgettable, meaningful wedding.
One challenge related to vow writing is that it can create tension between the bride and groom. Maybe one of you is significantly more enthusiastic about vow writing than the other. Or, perhaps you both agreed to write vows, but your partner is seriously procrastinating. This doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Again, some people just don’t feel comfortable with writing or something personal in front of an audience. Many doubt their ability to craft something special enough for a wedding. You can offer to write your vows together if you think that would help, but ultimately, we encourage you to let it go if it’s driving a wedge between you. Again, you still can have a beautiful wedding and all the good feelings that go with it.
Another reason to let the vow-writing go? You could have very different ideas on how to approach it. Maybe one of you wants to weave intimate, deeply felt reflections into your vows, and the other wants to try their hand at stand-up comedy or share a story that they find hilarious—and you find cringeworthy.
We also should note that, depending on your faith, some religious wedding ceremonies don’t include vows, or there are specific requirements for what’s said. In other cases, the officiant might ask to approve what you’ve written. That doesn’t mean personalized vows are out of the question, you just may have to extend more effort, and possibly, be willing to compromise.
A Few Suggestions
If you and your partner agree that personalized vows are the best way to go, we have some tips that could help.
Talk with your spouse-to-be in advance. This goes back to the risk of differing ideas on what your vows should be. How does each of you feel about humor? Are there stories that one of you would just as soon keep to yourselves? Address these issues before moving forward
Give yourself time. No matter how strong your feelings are, expressing them clearly can be a challenge. If you wait until the last minute to write your vows, you’re making your task much more stressful and setting yourself up for less-than-ideal results.
Go for a walk. Many writers will tell you that stepping away from the keyboard is one of their most effective cures for writer’s block. Let your mind wander a bit. Reminisce about special moments you and your partner have shared. That will help provide a framework for your writing.
You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. While writing vows is a powerful way to personalize your wedding, there’s nothing wrong with finding examples from books, TV, or movies and making them your own. You might find additional inspiration in old messages, cards, and even gifts that bring back special memories.
In the end, remember that you don’t have to be Shakespeare to do this. Your words don’t have to be clever, romantic, or deeply insightful. Just speak from the heart. Tell your partner you love them and why. Make promises that are relevant to the two of you whether you vow to always be there for your partner or pledge to root for their favorite college football team.
Keep it sincere, and you will have created the unforgettable wedding you’ve been hoping for.